Sofeah is Cute and Faridatul is My Wife

It’s been awhile since I’ve posted anything about my daughter. She is now a very cute and adorable girl. She was cute before, but now, she’s way cuter.

This is simply because she is now able to respond. She is now able to play and is able to focus on her surroundings. She lights up the whole house with her smile. Her smile is just great.

Now she can giggle and knows how to attract our attention. If we let her be for a few minutes, she will be calling us with a grunt. Sometimes when we eat, we let her accompany us at the side (laying in her bassinet), after awhile she will voice out a long sigh - bored because we’re not entertaining her.

Sometimes that’s all she wants us to do, entertain her. She’ll force herself to be awake because she wants to play.

Also when she wants to play and we do not do just that, she will start to be in a certain mood. She will moan until we do actually play with her or pick her up. And we do pick her up she will sulk and not look at us. Even if we turn her head towards us her eyes would roll and look elsewhere. How cute is that?

Good thing she sleeps soundly at night though. So far waking up early morning is not in our daily schedule. She will sleep latest by 12 (rarely happens) and wake up earliest at 5. It’s good that she heeds to our training because it would be troublesome if she wakes up early morning and the next day both of us need to go to work.

Sofeah has been a really good girl. So far she will only cry if we leave her alone for too long a time or if she’s hungry. Apart from that she will remain a good girl, squirming at times but not crying excessively.

She also adapts well. Before, she would scream on top of her lung if we sit her in her car seat or on her bouncer, but now she accepts it with little protest. If we let her be in the living room, we will turn on Playhouse Disney to keep her company - and she will actually watch quietly and at times excitedly (her eyes can’t really see clearly yet and will supposedly only see colors when she reaches the 4^th month, but she can now respond to sounds and not see in double vision)

One cheeky trait of hers has got to be her persistent leg kicking and climbing. It’s not troubling for us, but it is for her. If we lay her in the middle of the bed, she will kick her way up to the point that her head touches the pillows at the headboard - in which time she will cry because she is stuck.

We also have reasons to believe that it won’t be long until she rolls over. She has been kicking herself up and lifting her body sideways these past few weeks - but just barely turning herself over.

Best of all is the fact that she is really close to her mother. Just seeing the mother makes her smile. At night when she cannot sleep, her mother just needs to hug her close to her chest and she’ll sleep soundly. She also responses to her mother’s voice - sometimes it seems like she’s trying to say something back.

Just now I had my longest conversation with her thus far. I accidentally clipped her ears (not much just a pinch) and she wanted to cry. But she didn't. Instead she smiled and talked (gugu gaga) to me. That's her funniest and cutest moment for me. When I asked her "did it hurt?", she actually answered "enggak", which me and my wife wittingly translate as "nope". We also have reasons to believe that she will speak Indonesian as a third language. Hee.

Nur Alya Sofeah, stay as nice and cute forever and I’ll support your higher education. Haha kidding! I’ll support you if that’s what you want and if I am able too. Love you!

We Are 1 Year Old!

Happy anniversary to me and my wife. Our marriage is 1 year old today. Hooray!

Throughout this 1 year it has been nothing but exciting and wonderful. Here's hoping that the years ahead would be just as blessed and tremendous as it is now.

This entry would not be long for the simple fact that I've documented most of the events that happened during this past 1 year and therefore no use describing the same emotions, events and happenings again right?

Probably just the highlights...here goes:

- Moved in to my in-laws'

- Finished my degree and then looked for work (found out that the wifey is a prego)

- Got work and moved in to my mum's

- Baby's first whatevers in the tummy (burp, fart, wiggle, punch, etc.)

- Looked for an apartment and rented our current home

- Moved in to our home with nothing but a fridge and a mattress (and this computer)

- Started filling the house with stuffs...slowly but satisfyingly

- Threw a house warming cum raya celebration open house which most of our friends attended and we were very happy about that

- Sofeah was born and very happy about that too

- Sofeah got mild jaundice and very worried about that

- Me and wife celebrated my birthday at home with Sofeah (for the first time!)

- Very happy with how the one year has turned out...been absolutely blessed

Happy :)

Saya, Dr. Love

I’ve recently witnessed something that made me think? Apakah cinta dan bagaimana seseorang itu mengetahui samada dia sedang dilamun cinta atau ia hanyalah permainan perasaan.

Saya tidak takan tackle persoalan ini based on my analysis only, tapi saya akan relate sedikit sebanyak dengan pengalaman sendiri.

The thing is, baru-baru ini saya perhatikan salah seorang rakan lama saya bercinta. Memang, pada pendapat saya, ini adalah cinta pertamanya. He is not the same person as he was before (which is shy and just an alpha male sort of guy - but shy). Ini bukanlah sesuatu yang tidak baik untuk dirinya - sometimes people need to overcome their ego, in fact most of the time people need to do that!

Bagaimanapun, as is anyone who wants to commit to something, perasaan tidak yakin (syubhah) itu sentiasa berlegar dalam dirinya. Adakah dia ni the right one? Adakah ini cinta hati saya? Bolehkah saya dapat yang lebih baik? Adakah rugi jikalau saya lepaskan dia? Pada pendapat saya dia ni 50-50, macam tu dah cukup baik ke? Questions that can never be answered.

So let me relate to my own past... *Play in your mind the typical reminiscing sound*

Saya dan isteri saya telah berkenalan selama lebih kurang 3 tahun. Kami telah berkahwin selama 1 tahun (29.12.07 - yeah anniversary!!) dan sebelum itu pernah ”berpacaran” selama lebih kurang setahun lebih sikit.

Waktu kami berjumpa, isteri saya merupakan ”milik orang” dan dia kelihatan ”ok”. Tapi what can you do when you want someone kan ? Tidak lama kemudian saya dapat tahu dia tidaklah sebahagia yang disangkakan dan saya offer diri saya untuk membahagiakan dia - which turns out great.

So anyway, walaupun kami merasakan cinta kami tulus, ikhlas, setia and what not, still the relationship went like a rollercoaster. Kejap kat atas, kejap kat bawah.. Kadang-kadang mabuk, kadang-kadang sakit, kadang-kadang bosan, kadang-kadang gembira sangat-sangat. Biasalah kan? Naik rollercoaster pun macam tu.

Isu yang sentiasa menjadi penghalang kepada ultimate happiness waktu kami dating dulu ialah, kepercayaan dan karakter. Saya macam ni, dia macam tu. Dia ni tak yakin saya ni pula tak kisah. Lepas to top it all of, komunikasi kami hanyalah terhad kepada ”I Love you” dan “buat apa tu?”.

Adakala kami akan bercakap tentang masa depan, expectations, and everything else. Tapi masih, pada pendapat saya, kurang berkomunikasi secara mendalam tentang apa yang kita mahukan dan penerimaan kita terhadap karakter masing-masing. Bagi saya ini penting kerana jika dibiarkan, sampai satu tahap kita akan jemu atau berasa jengkel.

Tetapi yang paling penting ialah kepercayaan. In fact, waktu kami mula bercouple dulu memang isu paling serius yang boleh dikatakan menjadi penyebab kepada constant argument ialah ’trust’.

Waktu kami dating dulu kami berdua belum betul kenal diri masing-masing. So akibat saling tidak mengenali ini, kami sentiasa syakwahsangka dan berasa tidak senang hati. Dia ada kawan lelakinya dan saya ada kawan perempuan saya. Normal isn’t it?

But I had one friend whom she had always been jealous of (people who knows me well knows who this girl is). I know this and I didn’t care (at that time).. Bukanlah saya tidak kisah langsung, pada mulanya memanglah saya kisah juga. But even with the most outstanding assurance pun dia masih ragu-ragu, saya pun concede to my rebellious side.

Sampai satu tahap, saya kata saya sudah tidak larat dan saya pun minta clash. That, people, is both the most stupidest and the most intelligent decision I’ve ever made.

Stupid why? Because not only did I convinced this girl to leave another man for me - which was a rollercoaster ride of its own, emotionally and physically - but also because I deep down knew, dia ni lah gadis yang I want to spend the rest of my life with tetapi disebabkan perasaan ragu-ragu yang hanya wujud kerana ego saya sendiri saya lepaskan dia.

Intelligent because, ia mengubah diri saya dan juga diri dia. Kami somehow jadi lebih matang mentally dan juga memberi kesedaran tentang apa yang kami lepaskan, iaitu cinta. Well at least itu yang saya fikirkan. Bukanlah kami tidak berpeluang bertemu dengan orang lain, (because trust me, we were in the hunt and we both almost got something out of it - and almost miss out on each other for eternity) tapi takdir dah ditentukan, Alhamdulillah.

So my point is, walaupun cinta macam pasti dan cinta tu jelas, tidak semestinya ia tidak akan menyebabkan sebarang percanggahan pendapat antara dua pasangan dan tidak akan menyebabkan pertalian itu tegang. Cinta bukan perfect. Tetapi pada masa yang sama, tidak semestinya kerana adanya ketegangan itu maka itu bukanlah cinta. Again, cinta bukan perfect.

So apa yang pasti, ego tu mestilah dihadkan dan sebarang permasalahan mestilah diselesaikan dengan berkomunikasi. Sebab dengan hanya membiarkan ia, i.e. malas nak layan, taknak jawap SMS, taknak jawap panggilan semua tu memang tidak akan menyelesaikan apa-apa.

Pada setiap masa kita malas nak layan, kita merugikan masa kita mengenali diri masing-masing. Ia juga merugikan masa kita untuk menentukan perasaan kita sendiri, samada hendak meneruskan hubungan ini atau tidak. Apa gunanya kita merugikan masa kita untuk menentukan perasaan sendiri apabila akhirnya kita decide untuk tidak meneruskan hubungan tersebut?

Spend as much time as you can muster learning about each other or better yet just marry and spend your time learning about each other then. Itu bagi saya, adalah cara yang terbaik. Perkahwinan memang akan mengubah segalanya, and trust me, it’s way better.

Tolak ego, tolak cacat cela, tolak perasaan ragu yang disebabkan perkara remeh dan fikirlah, adakah cinta ini boleh kekal? If it an instant, yes, then just marry. Kahwin ni elok sebab kita tidak akan berasa serba salah dengan Allah (which is the main reason why we start to have doubts) and also, kita akan lebih rapat dan sebarang masalah mesti diselsaikan tanpa boleh didolak dalih.

*Ini sebenarnya a form of advise tapi tidak mahu ‘directly’ advise the intended subject. Harap faham.

Grand Dinner, and Then Some

Last Friday night 3 important things happened; first of all, it was the first time me and my wife went out without bringing Sofeah (we left her with my mom), secondly me and my wife got to eat Arabian food (I mean like real Arabian food) and lastly I saw what the real world is really like (having been cooped up in UIA for years).

The 'leaving Sofeah at home without us part' went great. She drank 2 bottles of milk, she slept and also played with my mum. My wife is very happy that went well because in less than 2 weeks time, she has to go back to work (with a heavy heart I'm sure) and leave Sofeah in the care of my mum. She has to learn to drink breastmilk from a bottle and do all those baby stuff without her mum.

Arabian food is sour. Well not he food, the dips are. I think we had like 7 different dips that night and most of them are sour. Why did we eat Arabian food? Because last Friday night, the organization I work with had their Annual Grand Dinner at the Mandarin Oriental and the theme was "Arabian Night".

Surprisingly, me and my wife enjoyed the food. It was a 3 course meal and for the first course they provided us with different kinds of bread and a variety of dips. My wife really enjoyed the first course. The main course that night was rice (briyanni I think but I'm not sure) and kebabs. That was ok. For desert, pudding with grounded nuts. All in all, 7 out of 10.

Also that night, my eyes opened up to the real world. It's not that I don't know what the real world is actually like. But having lived in UIA for years and having my mind and sight protected from a lot of distasteful deeds, my droopy eyes opened up wide yet again.

Believe me, I was not prepared for what I saw that night and my wife was also in similar a state of unpreparedness.

Back when I was a child, my dad used to bring me to one of these events and during that time also I was exposed to these things. However, I was too little to appreciate any of it and the worst I saw was celebrities in skimpy dresses singing on stage (that I can watch on the Tele right?). But I also remembered watching a burlesque show (not all out) when I went on a holiday in Australia, but those are of white people, so that was different.

Back to Friday night, when the room to the grand ballroom was finally opened that night, we were welcomed by belly dancers shaking their hips to loud music on a platform staged all across the room. It was like entering a strip club (which my only experience is seeing it on TV).

Then these belly dancers started dancing all over the place. They circled every table and moved their hips to ogling eyes of the male patrons (well not patrons we were there for the Grand Dinner and not all were ogling I'm sure).

Being in that situation, I didn't know what to do. It was so weird. I'm sure some people consider it as something normal and all, but seriously, I miss the time when I was cooped up in an Islamic environment - belly dancers just doesn't bode well with me especially since my wife is right next to me!

But the platform dancing didn't last through out the night. It was just the night's opening show. Then we were treated to a less sultry but still distasteful shows - especially because the performers are my colleagues!

They have this competition for best performance and the participants are the organization's fellow employees. I think the winning group gets something like a thousand ringgit. There were 5 performance that night (3 for the competition and the 2 others were for show I guess). During all of the performances, I can see my friends on the same table looking at each other feeling awkward and unsettled.

The thing is, next monday we will be seeing those belly dancing, bootie shaking, breasts bouncing performers and are they expecting us to watch them in the same light again? They went from polished sophisticated executives to...I don't what to call them that night.

I can see the older experienced people looking at things rather normally and appreciating the fact that those performers have got talent. The Chairmen actually said that she didn't know they had it in them and was pleased with how the night went. Some of the more conservatives were probably not looking at the stage for the whole night (except for a lame magic show which was totally lame!)

Well that is life I guess.

However, on lighter note, I did win something that night from the lucky draw. That part was pleasing to me (but the grand prize was a home theatre and there were also holiday prizes and a Samsung handphone which I missed out - I got a slow cooker...at least I won something right? Hmm...)

I Want Me My Music

One thing I really miss right now is my passion for music.

It’s not that I don’t love music anymore, it’s just that I find myself less enthusiastic about finding the newest up and coming bands, buying CDs from my favorite music store and also updating myself on the latest news of my top 5 favorite bands (in fact I don’t do any of these things anymore).

A year ago I would have been standing in front of the CD stack in Music Centre Atria Damansara checking out new CDs to add to my collection. The raw sounding of The Script’s music would have attracted me no doubt and I would have downloaded the new Phantom Planet album - or even order it through the net if I have the money to buy.

Now I’m too lazy to do any of those mentioned above, and more.

I guess my enthusiasm stems from having nothing do back then and also having no responsibility and I had too much time to spend - now I have a family.

Though I do believe that having a family should not have stopped me from continuing my love for music, it just so happen, my enthusiasm now lies with creating a sound atmosphere for me and my wife. Music takes too much of my time and money which I can’t possibly share with my wife.

What saddens me though is that I listen to a lot of radios nowadays and having to listen to the same music again and again makes me miss my old passion for music.

During my university days (which was when I started crazing for alternative music) I would spend hundreds per month for CDs. I would spend hours per day just listening to music, singing along like crazy in my room (which I do not know to what extent would annoy my roommates) and exploring and searching for new bands to admire (and sometimes regret).

The last album I downloaded was Bloc Party’s (woohooo!) and also Interpol’s (weeehuuu!). Other than that I’ve lost touch. Sadder, is the fact that I have not listened those albums thoroughly yet. I can’t even name the 2 albums’ titles! Waaaaaa!

Here’s a little known fact about my passion for music. I’ve been listening to music since primary school. I remember liking Greenday and also The Offsprings (but regrettably I also had a slight fondness for 911 and ehem…BSB - very slight!! My God! So slight! If you blinked you’d miss it!) Ehem…moving on.

Then my dad also exposed me to some old school rock like Deep Purple, Eagles, The Beatles, White Snake, Scorpions, and some other bands also. He also liked Mariah Carey which I was also influenced (I can sing along to most of Mariah Carey’s hit songs…haha).

But my real passion for music started when I was 18, with a little band called….wait for it…believe it or not…here goes…All American Rejects! Haha. Not an influential band nor are they revolutionary, they are just a fun band to listen to at that time. We were flanked with a lot of Linkin Park, Korn, Limp Bizkit and the likes of Simple Plan and Good Charlotte for lighter sounds, so AAR is kind of a breath of fresh air (now there are tons of similar sounding American trad brick bands).

Well from then on I really like music. I've moved on to more alternative sounds like The Strokes and The Hives and explored those areas. So my interest varies from classic epic rock band like Led Zeppelin to modern epic rockers like Mars Volta and Sigur Ros. I am very fond of old classic rock and rollers like Buddy Holly, Elvis and Chuck Berry to new rockers like Interpol and The White Stripes. Also some smooth sounding Corrine Bailey Rae, Lene Marlin and James Morrison is good as well.

But that has all past and now I can only look forward to hearing some Rihanna and David Archiletta in the morning whilst I drive to work. Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy some of the music I hear in the morning (I think Flo Rida is quite a good rapper and anything from Chris Brown is good to sing along).

Well, I leave you with my 5 favorite bands which I recommend:

1) Bloc Party

2) Interpol

3) Black Rebel Motorcycle Club

4) The Strokes

5) Arctic Monkeys

(Guns n' Roses, Foo Fighters, Nirvana, Oasis and the likes are known to be great! No need to mention)

Happy Birthday To Me...

Yes I'm 23 years of age today and I don't think I look a year older than I was in 2007. But a lot has changed apart from that.

A year ago my status was still 'in a relationship' and not yet 'married'. A year ago I was still attending classes and did not have any income. A year ago I was staying with my mum and was lazing around most of the time. A year ago, I cannot even imagine having a child of my own, a child now named Sofeah.

I remember at about this time last year I just told my friends that I'm getting married and the shock on their faces were priceless. Mujahid and Zarep were talking about marriage and their 'plans' on their future and I suddenly bud in to say "by the way, I'm getting married on the 29th". They stopped their conversation right away and barraged me with endless queries - funny.

At the age of 23, married to a lovely lady and being a father are probably 2 of the best gifts I could ever ask for. I am thankful for the sheer loyalty and trust my wife has given me this past year (the 29th is our anniversary) and the effort she has put in, in order to make this marriage a blissful one for me thus far.

Sofeah is the best thing that has ever happened to me this past 23 years. I've had quite a hard time since getting married from being unemployed, a parasite of so many homes, having to deal with the wife's pregnancy and having nothing at all; Sofeah however has really shed light on all these hurdles and brought about the most invaluable reward a man could ever ask for in this world.

My colleague asked me this morning, how does it feel like being 23 (relatively young) and already a father. I had no answer for it. All I could say is, I feel alright. But now that I had time to think, the most appropriate answer for me would be: Sofeah makes me feel 12 and at the same time she makes me feel 50. With her I am both the youngest and the oldest at heart. She makes me feel special in a way that I am both matured and child-like. That's what makes her special for me regardless of my age.

Therefore, after 23 years living in this unpredictable world, I look forward to another 50 years (If Allah permits) of joy and happiness shrouded with unpredictability together with Faridatul Bariza and Sofeah and hopefully Sofeah's little brothers and sisters to come. Insya'Allah.

My Lovely Family...Love you all!

When I Grow Up I Want To Be...

Today the family went to Midvalley to buy some stuffs for the baby. We bought a blanky, towel and some small but necessary stuff. It was good fun. I had to carry Sofeah using a carrier, one of those hugger thing that compels the baby to hug you. That thing is quite comfortable, but, after some time I kind of feel a back pain.

This was taken on 30/11/08. Later you'll see the picture of her bald and chubbier

We walked for almost 3 hours around the mall and of course the back pain got worse. Which got me to do some thinking, how old am I? I felt old. Joe got it right, "kecik-kecik dah ada osteoporosis". It's not that I got it, it's just something which led me to think along that line. Huu~

Then at night I watched Camp Rock with my wife (since there's nothing on TV), and that got me to do some thinking as well. Rock, music, performing - something which I had passion for. Not performing as in musical theatre or anything, just plain rock band kind of performance.

See, since I was little I had a dream of becoming so many things and these dreams continues to vary itself even till now. I remember answering the age old question "what do you want to be when you grow up?", at the tender age of 9 and answering, "a lawyer". Back then I didn't know squat about being a lawyer or what it actually is, it's just something I hear a lot perhaps.

That dream didn't last long of course. I remember also wanting to be an entrepreneur, a shoe designer to be more specific. Don't know why, I don't really care or even like shoes. But at that time I remember shoes being the big thing (I don't know if that is still the case).

Later on there's also that dream of becoming a comic artist. I can draw a bit, but very lousy compared to those professionals. In fact crappy if you want to set a standard in my family. My brother is an accompalished comic artist and my dad used to publish the first superhero comic in Malaysia, Supermat (at least, I think it's the first - well that project didn't last long).

Then came high school and that period was a confusing one. I really don't think I knew what I wanted to be. At one point I did think of becoming a religious teacher. But that didn't work out either. Yeah, high school was a lost cause for me. I blame the education system.

At the end of high school I had a choice, but since our education system has set a certain standard upon what we can and cannot be based on our performance, I didn't have that much of a choice.

Wanted to do economics but I didn't do so well. Wanted to do a degree in Arab language but I was too afraid. Then I focussed on three options; english, law or becoming a teacher. My passion lies with the first option, but my greedy nature went with the second - the third was just a safety net.

So that got me on track to my first ever "dream" which is becoming a lawyer. But, I never really wanted to follow through with it anyway. I know I will not end up a lawyer, nor will I ever enjoy studying law. Just went with the flow.

Funny enough, on course to becoming a law related professional, I had other dreams as well. Sad but true - sad because I'm old enough to know what I want, but still dream of what I know I won't get to be. I remember wanting to become a chef. I had passion for cooking, but no real skills.

Here's the kicker though, I picked up on learning the guitar and wanted to become a musician. I was crazy about music. I love rock. People would say that I don't have the mainstream ears, but that's just because we're living in a country that doesn't really expose us to more music. So anyway, I learned music pretty well (I also enrolled in organ classes when I was in primary school), so I wanted to do that as a living.

However, I know I won't get the chance at all. I wrote some songs, created some of my own brand of music and also recorded a few things (sad quality by the way) but I never had the resources. I never had the money to pursue it, not even to buy a decent guitar (mine was the cheap kind) or to buy a good set of microphone and recording stuffs to record my music. So I lost any hopes for it and decided to be logical and abandon it all together.

My only performance on stage with at least a hundred people in the crowd. I totally sucked that night

Plus, knowing the talents that are out there really put me off. It's not that I don't want to fight for my place on the big stage, but ekh, why bother?

But I must say, I've performed a few times in my university days and I kind of like the feel of it. Maybe one day I'll just do it for fun.

So now, I'm nowhere close to being any of the people I've just stated earlier and I still do not know what I want to be. Politician is an enticing option, but the thought of getting roped in into our political landscape have somewhat got me to think more than twice. I guess doing what I do now is okay. It's not the 'wake up every morning can't wait to go to work' kind of thing, but at least I provide food on the table everyday and a roof on top of my family's head right?

I guess after a certain point in life, you don't do what you want to do but do what you have to do. I applaud and am quite envious of those people who gets to do what they want to do. I know those who have become lecturers who just love teaching, or the lawyers who are happy to be knee deep in documents and papers and also those bankers who are just crazy about saving other people's money and keeping some for themselves as well.

I kind of feel that my passion lies either in writing or teaching. Writing is something that soothes me and I'm totally crazy about, but teaching is something noble and ultimately, that's what I want to be as a person.

I guess, my time will come. Just have to wait and see. But hey, even if I don't get to be something that I'm totally passionate about, if I can make money of what I don't really want to be then that's a win-win situation right? Hmmm...

Owh, the back pain is gone by the way. Sofeah has really grown these past few weeks, she's heavy. So cute now. Hope she can avoid going through what I'm growing through right, not knowing what I want to be. When she grows up, she can be whatever she wants to be (provided it is Syari'ah compliant). Hopefully I'm able to let that happen without intervening too much.

Sofeah puked on herself and well I decided to take a picture. See how she's grown?

Rumorists

Some say 99% of rumors in Malaysia turns out to be facts. Is that true? No doubt rumors have been a constant torn in today’s highly developed and yet narrow minded world. As a result of globalization and the perversion of privacy in every corner of the globe to every being of that same globe, the world all and all would one way or another be affected by - rumors.

The global economic crisis is testament to this. One of the big firms, Morgan-Stanley, stocks for this firm fell sharply due to rumors, started out by those who stand to gain from the loss of this big firm. The price of oil shot up during the June-July period because or rumors that oil would be scarce in several years time. Therefore, rumors are that dangerous.

Skip ahead to my point, rumors that are in those grand scales are worrying but it does not affect us directly. Sure we could lose our ability to provide sufficient food on the table in a couple of year’s time because of these global rumors, but I say, let the future us worry about that.

Unlike rumors spread concerning our private lives though. Don’t be a fool into thinking that since you’ve been extra nice to everyone it is impossible that anyone would ever create lies or misconstrue the truth about your life - that’s just childish.

Rasulullah s.a.w has already warned us about rumors, and we the people as usual, ignore such warnings (as we ignore several other warnings by him). Male, female and whoever you are of whatever gender you may be, cannot run away from rumors - creating one, joining one, being a victim of one or even over hearing one and reinvent your own version of those miscomprehended realities.

Sure probably half of the rumors you hear are true, but does the subject of that rumor really wants you to know the truth without him being consulted first? Is spreading news about one person without prior knowledge of the aforementioned person desirable?

At my age, the most constant rumor that swirls around is regarding one’s love life. This guy is with this girl, this guy likes this girl, this guy doesn’t like this girl but cannot turn himself away from her, etc. Fortunately this type of rumor does not affect your livelihood but does that little fact give you a huge relief? It probably does not.

Being a married man, I’m not worried about rumors that surround me - I doubt people talk about me that way anymore, anyway. However, I did hear some distasteful stuff about me before, in my university days. I don’t really mind because I never really found out the details. It’s not that I don’t want to - it just never reaches my ears.

I kind of like rumors about me. It shows that I’m thought of by others. Be it good or bad I don’t really mind. Good rumors are definitely welcomed. Bad rumors are slowly swept away under an already bulging rug. But as people continue to talk about me, at least my lone-ranger, island man, self-sufficient-self-made-man image I was trying to portray does not just leave a dumbass that people do not care about. I’m not ‘that guy who just passed by’.

Having said that, I don’t want rumors about me to destroy my reputation if it’s left untouched, i.e. not fixed, either. I’m not condoning rumors, I just think; it’s nice that people talk about me.

I worry for my friends though, in particular, one spectacle eyed boy.

Rumors are swirling and spreading like wild bonfires ready to engulf the surrounding boy scouts. He doesn’t mind, so that’s good. But he does worry about one thing, that it will ruin his relationship.

Now the question is this, why would he be worried if it’s not something that he wants?

I understand him thoroughly and I seriously do not condone rumors. It is one of the many things I hate, including among others, chewing with you mouth open (and creating those annoying nyap-nyap sound), disrespecting the elders, loud talkers who screams on top of their lungs to people mere inches away and lousy drivers who thinks signaling is lame and just so uncool.

Taking this to the blog is way out of hand so no more touching on this issue. I don’t want people to start spreading rumors about pink ponies, doctors or marriages now do I?

Sofeah Is So Cute!

Sofeah's bald now! Hee...

Read more about it in her memoir http://sofeahsmemoir.blogspot.com/

So cute :)

That's all for this entry. Haha.

I'm Happy To Be Tired

The baby is 1 month old now. Healthy and getting chubbier by the day. The mother is proud because, well it's her milk that helped the baby's development. I'm happy for her as well :)

You people would've known by now, or would have known about it anyway, any person who has a child - a baby to be exact - does not get much sleep. It comes with the package; get a baby, get less sleep - not a great promotion but damn worth it.

However, to my surprise, no matter how many sleepless nights you get and no matter how tiring it may seem, things aren't so bad. I find myself sleeping less during work then I do when she wasn't born yet. Okay, I don't sleep at work (in case my boss surprisingly reads my blog out of the blue), but there are times when I nearly doze off - there are also times when little pink ponies visit me from out of nowhere and bring me treats and suddenly disappears into the front drawer of my desk...magic.

So anyway, I guess it's either my body maturing, my body accepting the fact that I won't ever get enough rest or I've always been like this without me realizing it. I think it's the first.

Like yesterday, a Saturday, you would expect a tired old hag like myself finding time to sleep and try his best to at least compensate any lost of hours during the weekdays right? Well not really. I did worse. Went out -- with the baby -- to Ikea just so that my wife can satisfy her desire for those $2 hot dogs (it is 2nd best to 1901 she said). Tiring indeed.

Then got home, felt a bit tired and had the chance to sleep. I did sleep, for I would say, 45 minutes and my body sprang up as if I've slept for 2 hours or so. I wasn't totally satisfied but I wasn't complaining either.

Life's like that I guess. You cannot be too sure of what's going to happen if you see others go through it. But once you're in that lane and the train behind you is catching up, I guess all you can do at that moment is run. Run and even if you're tired you just run. Run, forest...run. (In Forest Gump, he never knew he could run until he had to run - deep...very deep)

Today, being a Sunday, my cousin had her wedding and me and family went. Tiring. Then we got back home, tried to rest but unable -- the cenonet woke up when we wanted to sleep and slept when there's no time for us to sleep -- and in the evening we had to go buy grocerries. Still no sleep, tired but it's not that bad, honest.

I can't imagine myself in the next 6 months, I might grow eye bags and be impossibly thinner than I am right now. However, I might also be the exact opposite and be livelier and fatter. Aaah yes that's the dream.

My wife is in the same state of tiredness/okay as me. However she is still recovering from the birth-giving and therefore I think she is doing remarkably well. People kept on saying how she's lively and doesn't look like being in 'confinement'. My mum uses the word ligat - to good effect.

So if you hear how having a baby takes away your time and your youth, well they are only partly true. They do take your time, but ask yourself this, what have you been doing with your time before? They do take away your youth, but aren't we only growing older and more mature? What's wrong with that? However that doesn't mean you stop being, you.

Believe me, nothing feels better than being worn out by a little cute baby.

Praying for Brooke the 2nd

The official family car right now is a Perodua Kelisa. Not much of a family car now is it? Well it’s not. I’m grateful for that car - at least I have a transport to go to work and other places kan?

But since I have a child, the situation changes, drastically.

2 weeks ago (breaking the customary rule of pantang), we went to my aunt’s house in Shah Alam. I wanted to service the car so I don’t want to leave my wife and child behind. So we stopped by my aunt’s place since it’s near.

We have this carrier/car seat for Sofeah which is great. Light, considering other carriers and also very comfortable. However, it's quite big (as are other carriers). Therefore it takes up a lot of space in the car. I only realized it on our trip to my aunt's.

Then came last week. Me and hon bun decided to eat McD for lunch (quite unusual but none of us fancied cooking and wifey wants to get out of the house). Again we brought Sofeah -- of course -- and again the sight of the carrier taking up half of the back seat was an eye sore.

Surely something must be done. Why not get a new car?

That's my short term aim now. A family car is perhaps the right thing to buy at the moment. I am not quite settled on everything else, but safe to say, there's enough space to squeeze in a new car. I don't want to rely on the in-laws (the current car) now since I have my own means and I am quite confident of doing things independently.

But the problem now is the car itself. Which? 2nd hand or brand new? How big?

I'm thinking of buying a good solid 2nd hand car which is not too old (manufacture date wise) and yet affordable and I don't have to pay too much monthly. Probably a Malaysian made car is the only car which would meet that criteria for now - thus a Malaysian made 2nd hand car it is.

But I still have to wait till next year. If I get a good bonus this year then that would speed things up. If only the bonus is good this year (pray for me!!).

Trying To Break My Writer's Block

While my daughter melueh (a form of mild puking) kat belakang ni, I am faced with a force that is trying to out manuever me from utilizing my creative thinking into writing something that is good enough - though I must say, most of my writings are somewhat mediocre compared to some out there...haih.

Babies, I leave that to my wife.

So anyway, in my previous entry I wrote something about my roommates. Since I've not met some of them for quite some time but I am in constant contact with them, I can only wonder how they're actually doing.

First of all, I'm the youngest of the bunch. But at the same time I'm the one who is married. That must leave a mark to all of them...haha. I know for a fact that Mokhtie really wants a wife, Nik wants to marry at the age of 30 and Zaref is the balance between the two.

Mokhtie is now a lecturer. A very dedicated one at that. The last time we texted, he was (presumably) busy doing his job and was the last one to actually leave the office. I mean if that's not dedication then what is? Or perhaps also, that is typical Mokhtie.

The Mokhtie I know would usually leave things to the last moment before he gets it done - especially with regards to assignment. Thus, I could only presume that the dateline for marking the exam paper is due soon, and he is only half way through it - he once finished an assignment right on the dateline, having started a mere one hour before.

Nik, well this guy is as confused as a cow in a leather factory. He is starting a career in the banking business having been retained by a bank that he is attached to. He is thinking of buying a house and also is doing a great job at, still not caring where his money goes in term of eating whatever he wants.

Zaref, well this guy is just eluding me. He's doing his chambering and that's all I know. I'm still waiting for 2 packs of diaper from this guy and hope he remembers.

On the love front of their lives, I could imagine that they are in the course of blooming with nature. Mokhtie can have a pick of anyone of his students, and I know for a fact that that is like entering a fantasy he never thought possible. All I can say is, good luck to you mate!

Nik is doing a good job of not being able to carry on his promise of marrying only when he is 30. He has got the desire to marry, I know. 'Buying' a house and wanting to so desperately 'meet' my 'cute' child only shows the desire he has in wanting the family life. Good for you mate!

Zaref, last I heard he wanted to pursue an amoi and he thoroughly believes that he's going to be successful in that approach. Well, being a descendant of the Chinese of course he wants to bridge that link again.

I like knowing that my friends are all doing very well. Mokhtie is actually doing something he likes, teaching a lot of hot young women. Nik is being paid quite well and thus makes him very happy. Zaref is on course to being the guy who would indefinitely bring Khairy Jamaluddin down - another lawyer politician.

I guess we are maturing now. The last time we were all together in a group was quite some time ago. But at that time I can assure you, none of us knew what's going to become of us when we are done with our degree. I guess the government is doing some things right, at least this four people - and many others also - are going through life challenged, but prepared.

Hand Me My Privacy Please

Saya ada pengakuan. I like my privacy.

Menjak di zaman persekolahan, zaman universiti dan sekarang zaman pra dewasa (atau memang dah dewasa pun). Tapi privacy ni memang susah la nak dapat sebabnya dunia sedang melalui era globalisasi di mana arus global akan menentang apa sahaja yang sudah menjadi resam manusia dan membentuk satu resam baru yang diatur oleh the super powers of the world.

Merepek? Yes indeed.

Walaupun context perenggan kat atas tu terlampau luas dan lebih tertumpu kepada dunia, tapi dalam context kehidupan harian saya sendiri pun rasa lebih kurang camtu.

Masa zaman persekolahan dulu memang tak boleh nak buat apa. Duduk dengan mak dan ayah, pastu adik beradik ada 5 orang termasuk saya. Nak tak nak bilik kena share and remote control kena berebut (sebenarnya tak berebut pun, kat rumah tu dulu basis control adalah siapa dulu dia punya).

Zaman universiti barulah belajar berdikari dan hidup sendiri. Oh tapi tak boleh lupa zaman matrikulasi. Hidup sendiri, hanya dari segi tak ada pertolongan mak (ayah dah meninggal tak sempat tengok anak dia belajar tinggi-tinggi). Tapi dari segi privacy memang jangan harap. Satu bilik duduk 14 orang - tahniah!!

Then betul-betul masuk belajar kat Universiti. Kat Universiti privacy dah slowly ada tapi still lebih kurang je. Satu bilik 4 orang and ada compartment sendiri masing-masing -- kira okay la tu kan.

But, still tak boleh elak, samada orang datang bilik melepak, orang datang nak study sama or nak buat assignment ke apa. Tu memang redha la kan. Tu tak apa. Ada pulak kawan punya kawan datang melepak -- tu kurang sikit tapi boleh lagi accept. But kekadang tu tak boleh tahan gak. Kena pulak dulu duduk bilik, saya seorang je ada komputer. Jadi tempat melepak laa. But sama-sama roommates memang tak kesah, it's 'the others' yang I'm forced to accept.

Tak suka kadang-kadang tu bukan apa, nak kata ganggu tidur tak jugak. Lantak la nak buat apa, tidur tetap tidur jugak. It's just, suka nak duduk sendiri so that boleh buat hal sendiri.

Which brings me to my point. Sekarang duduk kat rumah sendiri dengan isteri dan anak. Sure sometimes orang datang, samada jemput ataupun tidak memang saya tak kisah. Provided they realise I am the man of the house and they are guests.

Saya memang tak kisah orang nak datang, nak tidur pun I don't mind. Tapi don't get too comfortable because I still want this house to be my immediate family's sanctity. Boleh lepak depan TV baring bersama isteri dan anak, boleh memekak (sebenarnya membebel) tanpa perlu was-was orang dengar ke tak dan boleh bermain-main dalam rumah dan basically buat macam rumah sendiri.

Bila ada orang (dan tak ada privacy) rumah sendiri pun tak rasa cam rumah sendiri. I mean I would like to have the option of walking around the house naked (ni just the thought of it laa, meaning benda boleh la kalau nak sangat buat -- tak semestinya akan buat).

Sekarang ni dengan keadaan dunia globalisasi dan kita kena juga terima arus perubahan ni seadanya saya redha je la. Bukan tak suka perubahan but if semua benda dalam dunia ni berubah I would like at least my privacy to remain intact.

I Miss Brooke!!

I just went through some of the stuffs at the back room (where we keep all of the boxes and what not), it was quite nostalgic.

There are some things in there that brought fond memories of the not too distant past. I.e. the university days.

Unlike high school, University days were very significant in my life. Not to say high school was boring or irrelevant, it was relevant. But University brought up a certain inner maturity (my outer maturity has always been intact..uhuk!) and also held important episodes of my life.

University was where I met my wife, I learned about life and being independent, I studied a course which gave me the opportunity to be where I am today - high school never did anything for me except that I had a blast living without a care in the world!

As I went through I saw a notebook which I used when I broke up with my then girlfriend (now my wife) to write songs and notes and everything else in between. It was my comfort book. Reading it now - with my wife, the intended subject of the book - it is really funny.

One thing I really miss though is my roommates. These are some of the things you would never have known about them:

Nik sleeps like a mermaid. Every morning when he wakes up he will have his blanket right over his face. If I'm at my compartment, when he wakes up he will walk to my compartment and make a light conversation - at the same time he would scratch his head profusely (I don't think he's itchy, it's just something he does). He really likes to eat lavishly. Sometimes it's not that he eats expensive food, he just likes to buy whatever the hell he feels like eating (some of us doesn't have the luxury of not caring where your money goes to in terms of food). Nik has this run down car - something which I will elaborate later. He says the most extraordinary things at the most unexpected times - "I can't wait for J.K Rowling's book!" (you had to be there).

Zarep is a man's man. He doesn't like it when man touches him. In fact he is the only person in that room whom I was afraid to tickle - at first (I like to tickle, something that I must look into, therapy or something). Zarep loves the ladies. He would entertain any female companion if that person is interested. He has been caught entertaining the disturbing gender as well (by disturbing I mean of same sex but confused). But, being quite the cold hearted man, he would also be blunt and direct when need be. He thinks and react very quickly to ridicule anyone - the fastest mouth of any man I've ever known.

Cip is Cip. He sleeps when he wants to and eats when he wants to. Sometimes emotional but most of the time happy. When he's gloomy, the whole world glooms with him. When he's happy, the whole world lighten up. He is a fan of the western culture but at the same time is very rooted to his own. An enigma. His authority in that room is great. One time Nik incurred his wrath and without even saying a single word, got Nik to buy him a pack of cigarette, fruit juice, kerang bakar and keropok - within the space of 30 minutes. One of his promise includes - "Bila dah abih Universiti ni talian kawan kita putus" (his actual words). Till now, we are still in contact.

When I went through that back room, I found a box of stuff. I asked my wife to look at it and she found that miniature Koala doll which hugs things. It used to be an ornament in my old car - WLP 4241. I miss Brooke (that was its name - I was in love with Sophia Bush when I got the car). It was the official car for the roomies and me - until my fourth year.

Our official car changed during my fourth year. Nik's rundown Kancil was the substitue. Damn that Kancil. One time when me, Cip and Zarep had the urge to eat Nasi Lemak Malinja, we borrowed that beast from Nik. Nik had another event to attend to so he could not follow. That beast broke down half way, made noises which would attract people within sight of the car and had me (the driver) smiling to strangers as if nothing's happening while my friends duck to avoid being sighted. Damn.

The fondest of memories in the University days is of my wife and me. To say that our relationship then was a rollercoaster is an understatement. It was a cordless bungee jumping experience (not logical and over exaggerated). We went from being friends, lovers, ex-lovers, engaged and married in the space of one and a half year. Now we have a child together!

It all started on one night in UIA. Aaaahh yesss the fairy tale began during the 06/07 convocation fiesta. The final night of the convest, I was feeling hungry. Since the cafes were all closed, and I left the library quite late, the only obvious solution is the convest hill. How I dreaded going there. I had never gone there before. So I made some calls and found a friend who was a willing partner.

Having got there I met some other friends and decided to join them. One of these other friends also had some other people waiting to join him. That 'other people' was in fact my wife. A meeting by chance, was in fact a meeting by fate. I saw her, was attracted and now I consider it as something of a love at first sight. Though probably not the same for her. But as it all worked well anyway, whether or not the feeling was mutual at that time, I feel that night was the best damn thing that could have happened to me. I didn't get to finish my meal that night (was actually too nervous to eat...haha!), got the chance to show her my good side (I sent her and Hazimah back as it was too late) and got the feeling that that night wasn't the end of our meeting.

University days are great. If I could go through it all over again I would. But I won't change a thing with regards to the past (not true - of course I would change some stuffs, it is only prudent to do so).

But again, I miss Brooke. My first car. My first love. My companion. Mine, all mine. No more...

Pillow Between A Rock and A Hard Place

I have a daughter.

But I work. That sucks.

I want to see my daughter, so I go home for lunch, which is okay considering that it only takes me 20 minute to drive home. But then I can only see her for 30 minutes and drive back to work.

After work I come home, too tired and sleepy (because of the constant waking up early morning - which is great) and would hardly have time to play with my child. That's life isn't it?

I'm planning to be one of those fathers who dedicate their life more towards their children than their career but at the same time do well in life.

I'm afraid to think about my chances of having such a blessed life.

Even now, when I'm just nobody, another employee, a greenhorn executive, life's already too overwhelming. Not that it's not good, life's great, but considering the circumstances, considering my aim and also my physical capabilities, where do I stand in the next 10-15 years?

By then I probably would like to have had a big step in my career, perhaps a Manager or General Manager or something. But also, at that time I would probably want my child to be in the best school, I want to pick her up every time the final school bell rings and have lunch with her, help her with her studies and projects, etc.

Would it be hard?

I'm a laid back kind of guy, but it seems that life has taken a toll on me and bringing me closer to the same route as other working fathers are using - on the road of life without any background music (even if there is, then the song would sound closer to any of Marilyn Manson's).

Still it's still too early to tell. Tired as it may seem, as haphazard as I may look, life is actually really good for me now. I'm still looking forward to the future as always, with a bag full of enthusiasm and a spoonful of sugar (which makes the life medicine go down).

Plus in the future I know for a fact my daughter won't be squirming every night at about 2 a.m. trying to get my attention (without actually opening her eyes - she wants milk). I know also that I'd be able to set out a routine so as to make it easier for me to organize things, whether personal or business. Just can't wait for things to settle down.

Talking about settling down, I've always said to some of my friends that I'd be hanging out with you guys more, or treat you guys dinner or lunch or whatever once I've settled down. I used to say it in April, now it's November and things still haven't settled down. Life's just that grand right now - no time lorrr, always something new happening or a project that needs my attention.

Right now it's my daughter of course, my lovely Nur Alya Sofeah. Also, my wife who hasn't fully recovered (getting closer). My humble abode is still too humble for my liking and that needs some addition. My career might take another exciting turn next month with me moving department and all (hopefully) so that's something unsettling as well. Let's just say, I'd give it another 5 years before I actually do settle down - but that's just wishful thinking.

For now, I just would like to say that life is never easy but at the same time it's not hard. It's just a pillow between a rock and a hard place - make sense of it whichever way you want to.

Sofeah doing the Spanish dance!

Ummi smells laa ayah!

Sofeah's froggy style nap

24/7...Baby!!!!

I've not been updating my other blog because I'm not aware of the current political news. Also, I'm too busy with my Sofeah!!

It's official by the way, she's Nur Alya Sofeah Binti Muhammad Syazwan Rahimy. Cool, a person actually Binti-ing my name. The feeling is grand!

Baby really takes a lot of my time. But then again it's still early in the days and the routine is not really there yet. Some things need some getting used to while some other things are already a part of my life.

Waking up at night seems a breeze now. It's automatic. My movements are all set on cruise control. I sometimes don't even realise and would wake up every morning not as tired as one might think. I think it's natural. I mean, if people are too damn tired for it I don't think anyone would want more than one child.

As a father, I've felt things and emotions I've never felt before. I think things that I've never thought of before. I've done things I've only seen others doing. I'm planning things that I've never planned.

When the baby cries I feel bad. When the baby gets a little bit sick, I've never felt worst. When I see other kids on TV or anywhere I think about my own. Like yesterday, I saw on a documentary on diets (I'm not sure if anything on E! channel can be considered a documentary), and how the child died because of the father's insistence on giving the child same diet as his - a vegan.

I felt for the child. I worry for my own child. This feeling is overwhelming.

Just now, as I went to the government clinic to report my child (it's a procedure thing), I saw two kids running around while the father waits in the car. I thought, do fathers really want their child to be kidnapped or accidentally involved in some catastrophe? (an exaggerated word but I'm a father now and that's how I feel if something bad happens to little kids).

Sofeah is right now 6 days old, we have had some scares which I don't feel like expressing, but right now she's doing fine. She's a healthy baby and that's what matters the most. She drinks a lot from her mother (thank Allah her mother produces milk like a Nestle factory). She plays at times and sleeps most of the times. She has gained weight from the past 5-6 days - an impressive 200 grams.

She learns fast too. She can drink from both a bottle or the mother. Sometimes babies suffer from nipple confusion - when the baby drinks from one they refuse the other. But with Sofeah, as long as there's milk in it, give it to me. At night she prefers to sleep with the mother. If we turn off the light she will cry for milk. But she doesn't really want milk, she just wants to cuddle with her mum. She'll pretend drinking for awhile and then fall asleep. Cute ;p

I would rather her mum tell the whole story of Sofeah as she knows her better. Having pregnate her for 9 months, feed Sofeah with her own milk produce and also cry for the little things that the baby does or experience, I think she is the best women to describe Sofeah and tell things about her.

My wife is doing her best to recuperate and recover. So when she recovers fully I'm sure she'll tell it all. Right now, internet is something that she craves but limits herself.

30/10/2008 Sofeah's Birthday - My Story of that Wonderful Day

Thursday, 30/10/08

6.20...

Woke up tired as the day before me and hon bun had gone shopping for the baby - last few baby stuffs. Hon bun had a bit of a back pain that night. She didn't sleep well. Me and mum adviced her to start taking leave. We were both worried as her due date was getting nearer.

6.30...

I asked her if she was okay, and she retorted with her usual answer,"I'm fine...". I believed her because she didn't show any signs of pain. Not like the night before, her back ached which kept her awake for hours (while I was sound asleep).

7.00...

Went off to work having had breakfast - well I did, I ate bread while she only drank milk. We both were as cheerful as ever because we completed our shopping for the baby stuff and discussed only about the baby. We discussed on the plans for Saturday, Sunday and the 'fateful' Monday. Monday being the day hon bun was supposed to be induced. Sunday was supposed to be the day I treat hon bun to her desired meal - she chose A&W.

7.30...

I arrived at my office, and hon bun as usual would take over the driver's seat and drive to
work. I still think she's the bravest woman alive because of this. I waved her goodbye ignorant of the fate that would befall us later that day.

8.00...

As usual I went about with my work (not really I was surfing the net for news). My wife sent a message, I was relieved. I know she's safe and fine now.


9.20...

Wife complained of some minor back pain. I thought it was only normal. We don't SMS during work, we usually e-mail. So the response I get from her is not as prompt as I want it to be. But as long as she believes she is fine, then there's no need to panic, I thought.

11.00...

The back pain is starting to annoy the hell out of her, she said. She started to complain constantly. I was a little bit worried but it totally skipped my mind that it could be a contraction. I thought it was only normal as her due date was nearing.

12.20...

I asked her time and time again whether she can take it and whether she would like to take the rest of the day off. I told her before, if you feel you can't continue take the day off. She decided to heed my advice. The plan is, she would pick me up from work and I'll drive her to the clinic.

1.00...

Hon bun arrived with a tired looking face. The back ache was apparent in her looks. We drove to Bangi with our mind set upon getting an MC for 2 days so she can rest for Monday.

1.20...

We arrived at the clinic and headed straight for the Gynae. She wasn't in as she was in the labour room - someone's about to be a happy mum. We were asked to go to the next floor, probably for a CTG scan - the missy wanted to check hon bun's contraction. The next floor was busy and we were again asked to move up another floor.

2.00...

The scanner machine was attached to my wife with awkward looking wires and something that looks like suction cup. We weren't expecting anything grand. just an assurance.

2.40...

The '10 minutes' CTG can went for 40 minutes. We were left in the room and forgotten. They were busy with other newborns, we understand.

3.00...

The scan result was brought to the doctor. She wasn't supposed to open her clinic at that time, but the scan was serious enough I guess. We went in to the doctor's room expecting something a little different. We sensed something was brewing. The doctor told us that the scan showed a constant contraction which is a clear indication of labour. The doctor wanted hon bun to be admitted - she has already dilated 4cm. Great, we didn't expect this.

3.20...

Hon bun was hungry. She skipped lunch for this trip to the doctor. Something bothered us, though we did bring most of the baby stuffs, we didn't bring the bag with our stuff in it (it has always been in our car forthe past one month). We talked about it and even though it's not that important, but I'm not going to miss a day with my newborn in the next few days - if I'm going home, I'd better do it now.

3.55...

While my wife struggled with her lunch, I drove home. She adviced me not to drive fast, but I can't help it. I don't want to miss any moment. The drive home from the clinic would usually take 45 minutes, if that's the case then I can't avoid the traffic jam on the way back to the clinic. I have to drive fast, regardless.

4.30...

I arrived at my home, took the necessary stuffs and went back to my car. Okay that took 5 minutes.

4.40...

I asked for an update from my wife. She said she's already in the ward and was asked to prepare herself to go into labour. I panicked a little...What? She's going in? But I'm 45 minutes away! I asked her vehemently to stop the doctor from bringing her in. I didn't know what to expect if she's in the labour room - she may be having a baby right after she went in. She had to perform her prayer so I asked her to pray a long prayer. Not only to pray that all goes well, but also to delay things a little.

5.00...

I arrived at the clinic and my wife was still in her ward. Phew! what a relief. It took me an hour to go from the clinic to home and then back to the clinic. It was all worth it. I performed my prayer and waited for the signal from the nurses with my wife. I would say we looked rather calm for two persons expecting a baby soon.

5.30...

My wife was brought to the labour room. The room wasn't big or high tech or anything. It was cozy. There can only be one person who is allowed to be there with hon bun, at a time - either the mother or the husband.

5.45...

My mother-in-law arrived. I let her into the room with hon bun. My wife needs the support from her mother too - after all she came from her.

6.00...

The scanner thingy was attached to her again. This time the machine wasn't as rundown as the last one. We heard clear heart beats. That's our daughter's. My wife began to feel some cramping in her stomach and lower abdomen, the backache was gone. It wasn't as bad as it is going to be. But I know is it still quite painful by the look of it.

6.30...

The nurse gave her some pain medication to relief her a little. It wasn't epidural, she didn't want it. She was determined not to be injected with one. I was wit her on this - I know she can take the pain, she's that strong. My mum arrived with my brother at about this time. Good, I needed her support as well.

7.00...

The azan sounded outside the building. I need to perform maghrib prayer but at the same time I was reluctant to leave my wife - her contraction was getting stronger. The nurse told me it would still take some time before she delivers, more than enough time for me to pray.

7.45...

My mum wanted to see hon bun. I let her into the room and waited outside with my brother. He was more nervous than I am.

8.15...

The pain got stronger and longer. The nurse started calling for the doc. It was probably 10 times more painful than it looks. I tried to keep myself composed and looking strong - it's for my wife. The doc arrived and burst the 'ketuban' (sorry my vocabulary fails me). She used something like a white stick. My wife's look pains me. The water filled 3/4 of the container. That's quite a lot.

8.30...

The screeching begins. I say screeching because my wife didn't really scream, she screeched. Doctor's advice: take a deep breath and push as hard as you can. It's not as easy as it sounds. Throughout this part of the ordeal, imagine being in a place where you get your breath sucked out of you and you're trying to push your way through but there's a bungee cord on your back pulling you - the cord isn't long but it's damn tough.

Hon bun tries hard to take a deep breath but fails. When that fails the pushing gets harder. Hence, the baby gets stuck somewhere down there - but I can only presume she could already see the bright light illuminating the very womb that houses her for 38 weeks and 5 days.

Again she tries hard to push and the breathing gets in the way of an easier - not to say it is easy at all - labour. She learns another technique, take a deep breath and release the air twice consecutively. That worked, but she can't push as long as the nurse wanted her to because of the fatigue that's setting in.

The baby's head is visible after about 15 minutes of sheer hardwork. But then again it gets back in because of the lack of pushing - who can blame her, she's tired. As I hold on to her arms and giving her my full support, all I can think about is, is she going to survive? Is the baby going to be safe? I have full confidence that both question can be answered with a simple, yes, but the fear is always there.

You can see blood dripping and squirting everywhere. But still only the top of the baby's head is visible. The doctor had already cut open the entry (or exit) to make it easier. Then you can really see my wife pulling out all stops and giving all her might to try and push the baby out. I don't know if she realised, but the doctor had already opted to use the vacuum. I think regardless, she was determined to do it with her own strength - just like how she opted not to use any epidural during the labour process.

As she started to useher extraordinary strength to push the baby out, the head popped out (I say pop because that's how it was to me). I was glad. Too long stuck somewhere down there could give the baby a breathing problem - that's why the doc was worried and was prepared to use the vacuum. Then the doc started to turn the head and pulling it at the same time. She said that the baby just won't turn. I was thinking, "err doc, are you sure it's safe to that to the little kid?".

Then all of sudden, without even realilsing it, the whole body was out. Phew! It was tiring watching the whole thing. Everytime my wife inhaled, I inhaled. Everytime she pushed, I pushed as well. Everytime she squezzed the iron rod given to her, I squeezed my hand as if I was doing the hard work - believe me it was tiring (though definitely not as tiring as what hon bun had to go through).

9.17...

The doc received the baby and lumped it right on hon bun's chest. She was too tired to do anything. She didn't even have the strength to hug the baby - she touched her like it was a dirty linen. But again, from what I saw, it's very much understandable - she was too tired to do anything.

The baby cried loudly. It seems that she had a little bit of a breathing problem during the whole thing. They stuck a tube right into her mouth - I didn't see them sticking it in but saw them pulling out a very long tube out her mouth (you would not be mistaken into thinking that it was a magic act like the one where the magician pulls out a bunch of handkerchief out of nowhere). The tube was used to clear the baby's lung - it acts like a vacuum, in fact, it is a vacuum.

The baby was then put into a container (I'm not sure what they call it), where she was given enough light and warmth.

9.25...

I was given the go-ahead to the pick the baby up and do the call to prayer (azan). I obligingly did just that. The baby didn't cry. I was glad. It was the first time holding my own child and the feeling was like nothing I've ever felt before. Though I must admit, half of my thoughts were fixated on the baby's mother. I felt like crying, like smiling, laughing all at the same time. But all I could do is smirk. This baby is mine, it's ours. I know I will love her forever.

After seeing what my wife went through, I could only hold a sense of amazement and appreciate her more. She deserves every bit of praises you could think of. I'm sure if any child gets to see their mother actually going through the whole thing from the beginning of the 9 months journey, there wouldn't be any treacherous child. Hoping my child would realise this as well.

Here's to a happy day, one that I have never experienced before, would never experience again and would definitely want to cherish forever.

The Lovely Nur Alya Sofeah

The 2 Days Old Sofeah with her Mum, My Hon Bun