When I Grow Up I Want To Be...

Today the family went to Midvalley to buy some stuffs for the baby. We bought a blanky, towel and some small but necessary stuff. It was good fun. I had to carry Sofeah using a carrier, one of those hugger thing that compels the baby to hug you. That thing is quite comfortable, but, after some time I kind of feel a back pain.

This was taken on 30/11/08. Later you'll see the picture of her bald and chubbier

We walked for almost 3 hours around the mall and of course the back pain got worse. Which got me to do some thinking, how old am I? I felt old. Joe got it right, "kecik-kecik dah ada osteoporosis". It's not that I got it, it's just something which led me to think along that line. Huu~

Then at night I watched Camp Rock with my wife (since there's nothing on TV), and that got me to do some thinking as well. Rock, music, performing - something which I had passion for. Not performing as in musical theatre or anything, just plain rock band kind of performance.

See, since I was little I had a dream of becoming so many things and these dreams continues to vary itself even till now. I remember answering the age old question "what do you want to be when you grow up?", at the tender age of 9 and answering, "a lawyer". Back then I didn't know squat about being a lawyer or what it actually is, it's just something I hear a lot perhaps.

That dream didn't last long of course. I remember also wanting to be an entrepreneur, a shoe designer to be more specific. Don't know why, I don't really care or even like shoes. But at that time I remember shoes being the big thing (I don't know if that is still the case).

Later on there's also that dream of becoming a comic artist. I can draw a bit, but very lousy compared to those professionals. In fact crappy if you want to set a standard in my family. My brother is an accompalished comic artist and my dad used to publish the first superhero comic in Malaysia, Supermat (at least, I think it's the first - well that project didn't last long).

Then came high school and that period was a confusing one. I really don't think I knew what I wanted to be. At one point I did think of becoming a religious teacher. But that didn't work out either. Yeah, high school was a lost cause for me. I blame the education system.

At the end of high school I had a choice, but since our education system has set a certain standard upon what we can and cannot be based on our performance, I didn't have that much of a choice.

Wanted to do economics but I didn't do so well. Wanted to do a degree in Arab language but I was too afraid. Then I focussed on three options; english, law or becoming a teacher. My passion lies with the first option, but my greedy nature went with the second - the third was just a safety net.

So that got me on track to my first ever "dream" which is becoming a lawyer. But, I never really wanted to follow through with it anyway. I know I will not end up a lawyer, nor will I ever enjoy studying law. Just went with the flow.

Funny enough, on course to becoming a law related professional, I had other dreams as well. Sad but true - sad because I'm old enough to know what I want, but still dream of what I know I won't get to be. I remember wanting to become a chef. I had passion for cooking, but no real skills.

Here's the kicker though, I picked up on learning the guitar and wanted to become a musician. I was crazy about music. I love rock. People would say that I don't have the mainstream ears, but that's just because we're living in a country that doesn't really expose us to more music. So anyway, I learned music pretty well (I also enrolled in organ classes when I was in primary school), so I wanted to do that as a living.

However, I know I won't get the chance at all. I wrote some songs, created some of my own brand of music and also recorded a few things (sad quality by the way) but I never had the resources. I never had the money to pursue it, not even to buy a decent guitar (mine was the cheap kind) or to buy a good set of microphone and recording stuffs to record my music. So I lost any hopes for it and decided to be logical and abandon it all together.

My only performance on stage with at least a hundred people in the crowd. I totally sucked that night

Plus, knowing the talents that are out there really put me off. It's not that I don't want to fight for my place on the big stage, but ekh, why bother?

But I must say, I've performed a few times in my university days and I kind of like the feel of it. Maybe one day I'll just do it for fun.

So now, I'm nowhere close to being any of the people I've just stated earlier and I still do not know what I want to be. Politician is an enticing option, but the thought of getting roped in into our political landscape have somewhat got me to think more than twice. I guess doing what I do now is okay. It's not the 'wake up every morning can't wait to go to work' kind of thing, but at least I provide food on the table everyday and a roof on top of my family's head right?

I guess after a certain point in life, you don't do what you want to do but do what you have to do. I applaud and am quite envious of those people who gets to do what they want to do. I know those who have become lecturers who just love teaching, or the lawyers who are happy to be knee deep in documents and papers and also those bankers who are just crazy about saving other people's money and keeping some for themselves as well.

I kind of feel that my passion lies either in writing or teaching. Writing is something that soothes me and I'm totally crazy about, but teaching is something noble and ultimately, that's what I want to be as a person.

I guess, my time will come. Just have to wait and see. But hey, even if I don't get to be something that I'm totally passionate about, if I can make money of what I don't really want to be then that's a win-win situation right? Hmmm...

Owh, the back pain is gone by the way. Sofeah has really grown these past few weeks, she's heavy. So cute now. Hope she can avoid going through what I'm growing through right, not knowing what I want to be. When she grows up, she can be whatever she wants to be (provided it is Syari'ah compliant). Hopefully I'm able to let that happen without intervening too much.

Sofeah puked on herself and well I decided to take a picture. See how she's grown?