I'm Happy To Be Tired

The baby is 1 month old now. Healthy and getting chubbier by the day. The mother is proud because, well it's her milk that helped the baby's development. I'm happy for her as well :)

You people would've known by now, or would have known about it anyway, any person who has a child - a baby to be exact - does not get much sleep. It comes with the package; get a baby, get less sleep - not a great promotion but damn worth it.

However, to my surprise, no matter how many sleepless nights you get and no matter how tiring it may seem, things aren't so bad. I find myself sleeping less during work then I do when she wasn't born yet. Okay, I don't sleep at work (in case my boss surprisingly reads my blog out of the blue), but there are times when I nearly doze off - there are also times when little pink ponies visit me from out of nowhere and bring me treats and suddenly disappears into the front drawer of my desk...magic.

So anyway, I guess it's either my body maturing, my body accepting the fact that I won't ever get enough rest or I've always been like this without me realizing it. I think it's the first.

Like yesterday, a Saturday, you would expect a tired old hag like myself finding time to sleep and try his best to at least compensate any lost of hours during the weekdays right? Well not really. I did worse. Went out -- with the baby -- to Ikea just so that my wife can satisfy her desire for those $2 hot dogs (it is 2nd best to 1901 she said). Tiring indeed.

Then got home, felt a bit tired and had the chance to sleep. I did sleep, for I would say, 45 minutes and my body sprang up as if I've slept for 2 hours or so. I wasn't totally satisfied but I wasn't complaining either.

Life's like that I guess. You cannot be too sure of what's going to happen if you see others go through it. But once you're in that lane and the train behind you is catching up, I guess all you can do at that moment is run. Run and even if you're tired you just run. Run, forest...run. (In Forest Gump, he never knew he could run until he had to run - deep...very deep)

Today, being a Sunday, my cousin had her wedding and me and family went. Tiring. Then we got back home, tried to rest but unable -- the cenonet woke up when we wanted to sleep and slept when there's no time for us to sleep -- and in the evening we had to go buy grocerries. Still no sleep, tired but it's not that bad, honest.

I can't imagine myself in the next 6 months, I might grow eye bags and be impossibly thinner than I am right now. However, I might also be the exact opposite and be livelier and fatter. Aaah yes that's the dream.

My wife is in the same state of tiredness/okay as me. However she is still recovering from the birth-giving and therefore I think she is doing remarkably well. People kept on saying how she's lively and doesn't look like being in 'confinement'. My mum uses the word ligat - to good effect.

So if you hear how having a baby takes away your time and your youth, well they are only partly true. They do take your time, but ask yourself this, what have you been doing with your time before? They do take away your youth, but aren't we only growing older and more mature? What's wrong with that? However that doesn't mean you stop being, you.

Believe me, nothing feels better than being worn out by a little cute baby.

Praying for Brooke the 2nd

The official family car right now is a Perodua Kelisa. Not much of a family car now is it? Well it’s not. I’m grateful for that car - at least I have a transport to go to work and other places kan?

But since I have a child, the situation changes, drastically.

2 weeks ago (breaking the customary rule of pantang), we went to my aunt’s house in Shah Alam. I wanted to service the car so I don’t want to leave my wife and child behind. So we stopped by my aunt’s place since it’s near.

We have this carrier/car seat for Sofeah which is great. Light, considering other carriers and also very comfortable. However, it's quite big (as are other carriers). Therefore it takes up a lot of space in the car. I only realized it on our trip to my aunt's.

Then came last week. Me and hon bun decided to eat McD for lunch (quite unusual but none of us fancied cooking and wifey wants to get out of the house). Again we brought Sofeah -- of course -- and again the sight of the carrier taking up half of the back seat was an eye sore.

Surely something must be done. Why not get a new car?

That's my short term aim now. A family car is perhaps the right thing to buy at the moment. I am not quite settled on everything else, but safe to say, there's enough space to squeeze in a new car. I don't want to rely on the in-laws (the current car) now since I have my own means and I am quite confident of doing things independently.

But the problem now is the car itself. Which? 2nd hand or brand new? How big?

I'm thinking of buying a good solid 2nd hand car which is not too old (manufacture date wise) and yet affordable and I don't have to pay too much monthly. Probably a Malaysian made car is the only car which would meet that criteria for now - thus a Malaysian made 2nd hand car it is.

But I still have to wait till next year. If I get a good bonus this year then that would speed things up. If only the bonus is good this year (pray for me!!).

Trying To Break My Writer's Block

While my daughter melueh (a form of mild puking) kat belakang ni, I am faced with a force that is trying to out manuever me from utilizing my creative thinking into writing something that is good enough - though I must say, most of my writings are somewhat mediocre compared to some out there...haih.

Babies, I leave that to my wife.

So anyway, in my previous entry I wrote something about my roommates. Since I've not met some of them for quite some time but I am in constant contact with them, I can only wonder how they're actually doing.

First of all, I'm the youngest of the bunch. But at the same time I'm the one who is married. That must leave a mark to all of them...haha. I know for a fact that Mokhtie really wants a wife, Nik wants to marry at the age of 30 and Zaref is the balance between the two.

Mokhtie is now a lecturer. A very dedicated one at that. The last time we texted, he was (presumably) busy doing his job and was the last one to actually leave the office. I mean if that's not dedication then what is? Or perhaps also, that is typical Mokhtie.

The Mokhtie I know would usually leave things to the last moment before he gets it done - especially with regards to assignment. Thus, I could only presume that the dateline for marking the exam paper is due soon, and he is only half way through it - he once finished an assignment right on the dateline, having started a mere one hour before.

Nik, well this guy is as confused as a cow in a leather factory. He is starting a career in the banking business having been retained by a bank that he is attached to. He is thinking of buying a house and also is doing a great job at, still not caring where his money goes in term of eating whatever he wants.

Zaref, well this guy is just eluding me. He's doing his chambering and that's all I know. I'm still waiting for 2 packs of diaper from this guy and hope he remembers.

On the love front of their lives, I could imagine that they are in the course of blooming with nature. Mokhtie can have a pick of anyone of his students, and I know for a fact that that is like entering a fantasy he never thought possible. All I can say is, good luck to you mate!

Nik is doing a good job of not being able to carry on his promise of marrying only when he is 30. He has got the desire to marry, I know. 'Buying' a house and wanting to so desperately 'meet' my 'cute' child only shows the desire he has in wanting the family life. Good for you mate!

Zaref, last I heard he wanted to pursue an amoi and he thoroughly believes that he's going to be successful in that approach. Well, being a descendant of the Chinese of course he wants to bridge that link again.

I like knowing that my friends are all doing very well. Mokhtie is actually doing something he likes, teaching a lot of hot young women. Nik is being paid quite well and thus makes him very happy. Zaref is on course to being the guy who would indefinitely bring Khairy Jamaluddin down - another lawyer politician.

I guess we are maturing now. The last time we were all together in a group was quite some time ago. But at that time I can assure you, none of us knew what's going to become of us when we are done with our degree. I guess the government is doing some things right, at least this four people - and many others also - are going through life challenged, but prepared.

Hand Me My Privacy Please

Saya ada pengakuan. I like my privacy.

Menjak di zaman persekolahan, zaman universiti dan sekarang zaman pra dewasa (atau memang dah dewasa pun). Tapi privacy ni memang susah la nak dapat sebabnya dunia sedang melalui era globalisasi di mana arus global akan menentang apa sahaja yang sudah menjadi resam manusia dan membentuk satu resam baru yang diatur oleh the super powers of the world.

Merepek? Yes indeed.

Walaupun context perenggan kat atas tu terlampau luas dan lebih tertumpu kepada dunia, tapi dalam context kehidupan harian saya sendiri pun rasa lebih kurang camtu.

Masa zaman persekolahan dulu memang tak boleh nak buat apa. Duduk dengan mak dan ayah, pastu adik beradik ada 5 orang termasuk saya. Nak tak nak bilik kena share and remote control kena berebut (sebenarnya tak berebut pun, kat rumah tu dulu basis control adalah siapa dulu dia punya).

Zaman universiti barulah belajar berdikari dan hidup sendiri. Oh tapi tak boleh lupa zaman matrikulasi. Hidup sendiri, hanya dari segi tak ada pertolongan mak (ayah dah meninggal tak sempat tengok anak dia belajar tinggi-tinggi). Tapi dari segi privacy memang jangan harap. Satu bilik duduk 14 orang - tahniah!!

Then betul-betul masuk belajar kat Universiti. Kat Universiti privacy dah slowly ada tapi still lebih kurang je. Satu bilik 4 orang and ada compartment sendiri masing-masing -- kira okay la tu kan.

But, still tak boleh elak, samada orang datang bilik melepak, orang datang nak study sama or nak buat assignment ke apa. Tu memang redha la kan. Tu tak apa. Ada pulak kawan punya kawan datang melepak -- tu kurang sikit tapi boleh lagi accept. But kekadang tu tak boleh tahan gak. Kena pulak dulu duduk bilik, saya seorang je ada komputer. Jadi tempat melepak laa. But sama-sama roommates memang tak kesah, it's 'the others' yang I'm forced to accept.

Tak suka kadang-kadang tu bukan apa, nak kata ganggu tidur tak jugak. Lantak la nak buat apa, tidur tetap tidur jugak. It's just, suka nak duduk sendiri so that boleh buat hal sendiri.

Which brings me to my point. Sekarang duduk kat rumah sendiri dengan isteri dan anak. Sure sometimes orang datang, samada jemput ataupun tidak memang saya tak kisah. Provided they realise I am the man of the house and they are guests.

Saya memang tak kisah orang nak datang, nak tidur pun I don't mind. Tapi don't get too comfortable because I still want this house to be my immediate family's sanctity. Boleh lepak depan TV baring bersama isteri dan anak, boleh memekak (sebenarnya membebel) tanpa perlu was-was orang dengar ke tak dan boleh bermain-main dalam rumah dan basically buat macam rumah sendiri.

Bila ada orang (dan tak ada privacy) rumah sendiri pun tak rasa cam rumah sendiri. I mean I would like to have the option of walking around the house naked (ni just the thought of it laa, meaning benda boleh la kalau nak sangat buat -- tak semestinya akan buat).

Sekarang ni dengan keadaan dunia globalisasi dan kita kena juga terima arus perubahan ni seadanya saya redha je la. Bukan tak suka perubahan but if semua benda dalam dunia ni berubah I would like at least my privacy to remain intact.

I Miss Brooke!!

I just went through some of the stuffs at the back room (where we keep all of the boxes and what not), it was quite nostalgic.

There are some things in there that brought fond memories of the not too distant past. I.e. the university days.

Unlike high school, University days were very significant in my life. Not to say high school was boring or irrelevant, it was relevant. But University brought up a certain inner maturity (my outer maturity has always been intact..uhuk!) and also held important episodes of my life.

University was where I met my wife, I learned about life and being independent, I studied a course which gave me the opportunity to be where I am today - high school never did anything for me except that I had a blast living without a care in the world!

As I went through I saw a notebook which I used when I broke up with my then girlfriend (now my wife) to write songs and notes and everything else in between. It was my comfort book. Reading it now - with my wife, the intended subject of the book - it is really funny.

One thing I really miss though is my roommates. These are some of the things you would never have known about them:

Nik sleeps like a mermaid. Every morning when he wakes up he will have his blanket right over his face. If I'm at my compartment, when he wakes up he will walk to my compartment and make a light conversation - at the same time he would scratch his head profusely (I don't think he's itchy, it's just something he does). He really likes to eat lavishly. Sometimes it's not that he eats expensive food, he just likes to buy whatever the hell he feels like eating (some of us doesn't have the luxury of not caring where your money goes to in terms of food). Nik has this run down car - something which I will elaborate later. He says the most extraordinary things at the most unexpected times - "I can't wait for J.K Rowling's book!" (you had to be there).

Zarep is a man's man. He doesn't like it when man touches him. In fact he is the only person in that room whom I was afraid to tickle - at first (I like to tickle, something that I must look into, therapy or something). Zarep loves the ladies. He would entertain any female companion if that person is interested. He has been caught entertaining the disturbing gender as well (by disturbing I mean of same sex but confused). But, being quite the cold hearted man, he would also be blunt and direct when need be. He thinks and react very quickly to ridicule anyone - the fastest mouth of any man I've ever known.

Cip is Cip. He sleeps when he wants to and eats when he wants to. Sometimes emotional but most of the time happy. When he's gloomy, the whole world glooms with him. When he's happy, the whole world lighten up. He is a fan of the western culture but at the same time is very rooted to his own. An enigma. His authority in that room is great. One time Nik incurred his wrath and without even saying a single word, got Nik to buy him a pack of cigarette, fruit juice, kerang bakar and keropok - within the space of 30 minutes. One of his promise includes - "Bila dah abih Universiti ni talian kawan kita putus" (his actual words). Till now, we are still in contact.

When I went through that back room, I found a box of stuff. I asked my wife to look at it and she found that miniature Koala doll which hugs things. It used to be an ornament in my old car - WLP 4241. I miss Brooke (that was its name - I was in love with Sophia Bush when I got the car). It was the official car for the roomies and me - until my fourth year.

Our official car changed during my fourth year. Nik's rundown Kancil was the substitue. Damn that Kancil. One time when me, Cip and Zarep had the urge to eat Nasi Lemak Malinja, we borrowed that beast from Nik. Nik had another event to attend to so he could not follow. That beast broke down half way, made noises which would attract people within sight of the car and had me (the driver) smiling to strangers as if nothing's happening while my friends duck to avoid being sighted. Damn.

The fondest of memories in the University days is of my wife and me. To say that our relationship then was a rollercoaster is an understatement. It was a cordless bungee jumping experience (not logical and over exaggerated). We went from being friends, lovers, ex-lovers, engaged and married in the space of one and a half year. Now we have a child together!

It all started on one night in UIA. Aaaahh yesss the fairy tale began during the 06/07 convocation fiesta. The final night of the convest, I was feeling hungry. Since the cafes were all closed, and I left the library quite late, the only obvious solution is the convest hill. How I dreaded going there. I had never gone there before. So I made some calls and found a friend who was a willing partner.

Having got there I met some other friends and decided to join them. One of these other friends also had some other people waiting to join him. That 'other people' was in fact my wife. A meeting by chance, was in fact a meeting by fate. I saw her, was attracted and now I consider it as something of a love at first sight. Though probably not the same for her. But as it all worked well anyway, whether or not the feeling was mutual at that time, I feel that night was the best damn thing that could have happened to me. I didn't get to finish my meal that night (was actually too nervous to eat...haha!), got the chance to show her my good side (I sent her and Hazimah back as it was too late) and got the feeling that that night wasn't the end of our meeting.

University days are great. If I could go through it all over again I would. But I won't change a thing with regards to the past (not true - of course I would change some stuffs, it is only prudent to do so).

But again, I miss Brooke. My first car. My first love. My companion. Mine, all mine. No more...

Pillow Between A Rock and A Hard Place

I have a daughter.

But I work. That sucks.

I want to see my daughter, so I go home for lunch, which is okay considering that it only takes me 20 minute to drive home. But then I can only see her for 30 minutes and drive back to work.

After work I come home, too tired and sleepy (because of the constant waking up early morning - which is great) and would hardly have time to play with my child. That's life isn't it?

I'm planning to be one of those fathers who dedicate their life more towards their children than their career but at the same time do well in life.

I'm afraid to think about my chances of having such a blessed life.

Even now, when I'm just nobody, another employee, a greenhorn executive, life's already too overwhelming. Not that it's not good, life's great, but considering the circumstances, considering my aim and also my physical capabilities, where do I stand in the next 10-15 years?

By then I probably would like to have had a big step in my career, perhaps a Manager or General Manager or something. But also, at that time I would probably want my child to be in the best school, I want to pick her up every time the final school bell rings and have lunch with her, help her with her studies and projects, etc.

Would it be hard?

I'm a laid back kind of guy, but it seems that life has taken a toll on me and bringing me closer to the same route as other working fathers are using - on the road of life without any background music (even if there is, then the song would sound closer to any of Marilyn Manson's).

Still it's still too early to tell. Tired as it may seem, as haphazard as I may look, life is actually really good for me now. I'm still looking forward to the future as always, with a bag full of enthusiasm and a spoonful of sugar (which makes the life medicine go down).

Plus in the future I know for a fact my daughter won't be squirming every night at about 2 a.m. trying to get my attention (without actually opening her eyes - she wants milk). I know also that I'd be able to set out a routine so as to make it easier for me to organize things, whether personal or business. Just can't wait for things to settle down.

Talking about settling down, I've always said to some of my friends that I'd be hanging out with you guys more, or treat you guys dinner or lunch or whatever once I've settled down. I used to say it in April, now it's November and things still haven't settled down. Life's just that grand right now - no time lorrr, always something new happening or a project that needs my attention.

Right now it's my daughter of course, my lovely Nur Alya Sofeah. Also, my wife who hasn't fully recovered (getting closer). My humble abode is still too humble for my liking and that needs some addition. My career might take another exciting turn next month with me moving department and all (hopefully) so that's something unsettling as well. Let's just say, I'd give it another 5 years before I actually do settle down - but that's just wishful thinking.

For now, I just would like to say that life is never easy but at the same time it's not hard. It's just a pillow between a rock and a hard place - make sense of it whichever way you want to.

Sofeah doing the Spanish dance!

Ummi smells laa ayah!

Sofeah's froggy style nap


I've not been updating my other blog because I'm not aware of the current political news. Also, I'm too busy with my Sofeah!!

It's official by the way, she's Nur Alya Sofeah Binti Muhammad Syazwan Rahimy. Cool, a person actually Binti-ing my name. The feeling is grand!

Baby really takes a lot of my time. But then again it's still early in the days and the routine is not really there yet. Some things need some getting used to while some other things are already a part of my life.

Waking up at night seems a breeze now. It's automatic. My movements are all set on cruise control. I sometimes don't even realise and would wake up every morning not as tired as one might think. I think it's natural. I mean, if people are too damn tired for it I don't think anyone would want more than one child.

As a father, I've felt things and emotions I've never felt before. I think things that I've never thought of before. I've done things I've only seen others doing. I'm planning things that I've never planned.

When the baby cries I feel bad. When the baby gets a little bit sick, I've never felt worst. When I see other kids on TV or anywhere I think about my own. Like yesterday, I saw on a documentary on diets (I'm not sure if anything on E! channel can be considered a documentary), and how the child died because of the father's insistence on giving the child same diet as his - a vegan.

I felt for the child. I worry for my own child. This feeling is overwhelming.

Just now, as I went to the government clinic to report my child (it's a procedure thing), I saw two kids running around while the father waits in the car. I thought, do fathers really want their child to be kidnapped or accidentally involved in some catastrophe? (an exaggerated word but I'm a father now and that's how I feel if something bad happens to little kids).

Sofeah is right now 6 days old, we have had some scares which I don't feel like expressing, but right now she's doing fine. She's a healthy baby and that's what matters the most. She drinks a lot from her mother (thank Allah her mother produces milk like a Nestle factory). She plays at times and sleeps most of the times. She has gained weight from the past 5-6 days - an impressive 200 grams.

She learns fast too. She can drink from both a bottle or the mother. Sometimes babies suffer from nipple confusion - when the baby drinks from one they refuse the other. But with Sofeah, as long as there's milk in it, give it to me. At night she prefers to sleep with the mother. If we turn off the light she will cry for milk. But she doesn't really want milk, she just wants to cuddle with her mum. She'll pretend drinking for awhile and then fall asleep. Cute ;p

I would rather her mum tell the whole story of Sofeah as she knows her better. Having pregnate her for 9 months, feed Sofeah with her own milk produce and also cry for the little things that the baby does or experience, I think she is the best women to describe Sofeah and tell things about her.

My wife is doing her best to recuperate and recover. So when she recovers fully I'm sure she'll tell it all. Right now, internet is something that she craves but limits herself.

30/10/2008 Sofeah's Birthday - My Story of that Wonderful Day

Thursday, 30/10/08


Woke up tired as the day before me and hon bun had gone shopping for the baby - last few baby stuffs. Hon bun had a bit of a back pain that night. She didn't sleep well. Me and mum adviced her to start taking leave. We were both worried as her due date was getting nearer.


I asked her if she was okay, and she retorted with her usual answer,"I'm fine...". I believed her because she didn't show any signs of pain. Not like the night before, her back ached which kept her awake for hours (while I was sound asleep).


Went off to work having had breakfast - well I did, I ate bread while she only drank milk. We both were as cheerful as ever because we completed our shopping for the baby stuff and discussed only about the baby. We discussed on the plans for Saturday, Sunday and the 'fateful' Monday. Monday being the day hon bun was supposed to be induced. Sunday was supposed to be the day I treat hon bun to her desired meal - she chose A&W.


I arrived at my office, and hon bun as usual would take over the driver's seat and drive to
work. I still think she's the bravest woman alive because of this. I waved her goodbye ignorant of the fate that would befall us later that day.


As usual I went about with my work (not really I was surfing the net for news). My wife sent a message, I was relieved. I know she's safe and fine now.


Wife complained of some minor back pain. I thought it was only normal. We don't SMS during work, we usually e-mail. So the response I get from her is not as prompt as I want it to be. But as long as she believes she is fine, then there's no need to panic, I thought.


The back pain is starting to annoy the hell out of her, she said. She started to complain constantly. I was a little bit worried but it totally skipped my mind that it could be a contraction. I thought it was only normal as her due date was nearing.


I asked her time and time again whether she can take it and whether she would like to take the rest of the day off. I told her before, if you feel you can't continue take the day off. She decided to heed my advice. The plan is, she would pick me up from work and I'll drive her to the clinic.


Hon bun arrived with a tired looking face. The back ache was apparent in her looks. We drove to Bangi with our mind set upon getting an MC for 2 days so she can rest for Monday.


We arrived at the clinic and headed straight for the Gynae. She wasn't in as she was in the labour room - someone's about to be a happy mum. We were asked to go to the next floor, probably for a CTG scan - the missy wanted to check hon bun's contraction. The next floor was busy and we were again asked to move up another floor.


The scanner machine was attached to my wife with awkward looking wires and something that looks like suction cup. We weren't expecting anything grand. just an assurance.


The '10 minutes' CTG can went for 40 minutes. We were left in the room and forgotten. They were busy with other newborns, we understand.


The scan result was brought to the doctor. She wasn't supposed to open her clinic at that time, but the scan was serious enough I guess. We went in to the doctor's room expecting something a little different. We sensed something was brewing. The doctor told us that the scan showed a constant contraction which is a clear indication of labour. The doctor wanted hon bun to be admitted - she has already dilated 4cm. Great, we didn't expect this.


Hon bun was hungry. She skipped lunch for this trip to the doctor. Something bothered us, though we did bring most of the baby stuffs, we didn't bring the bag with our stuff in it (it has always been in our car forthe past one month). We talked about it and even though it's not that important, but I'm not going to miss a day with my newborn in the next few days - if I'm going home, I'd better do it now.


While my wife struggled with her lunch, I drove home. She adviced me not to drive fast, but I can't help it. I don't want to miss any moment. The drive home from the clinic would usually take 45 minutes, if that's the case then I can't avoid the traffic jam on the way back to the clinic. I have to drive fast, regardless.


I arrived at my home, took the necessary stuffs and went back to my car. Okay that took 5 minutes.


I asked for an update from my wife. She said she's already in the ward and was asked to prepare herself to go into labour. I panicked a little...What? She's going in? But I'm 45 minutes away! I asked her vehemently to stop the doctor from bringing her in. I didn't know what to expect if she's in the labour room - she may be having a baby right after she went in. She had to perform her prayer so I asked her to pray a long prayer. Not only to pray that all goes well, but also to delay things a little.


I arrived at the clinic and my wife was still in her ward. Phew! what a relief. It took me an hour to go from the clinic to home and then back to the clinic. It was all worth it. I performed my prayer and waited for the signal from the nurses with my wife. I would say we looked rather calm for two persons expecting a baby soon.


My wife was brought to the labour room. The room wasn't big or high tech or anything. It was cozy. There can only be one person who is allowed to be there with hon bun, at a time - either the mother or the husband.


My mother-in-law arrived. I let her into the room with hon bun. My wife needs the support from her mother too - after all she came from her.


The scanner thingy was attached to her again. This time the machine wasn't as rundown as the last one. We heard clear heart beats. That's our daughter's. My wife began to feel some cramping in her stomach and lower abdomen, the backache was gone. It wasn't as bad as it is going to be. But I know is it still quite painful by the look of it.


The nurse gave her some pain medication to relief her a little. It wasn't epidural, she didn't want it. She was determined not to be injected with one. I was wit her on this - I know she can take the pain, she's that strong. My mum arrived with my brother at about this time. Good, I needed her support as well.


The azan sounded outside the building. I need to perform maghrib prayer but at the same time I was reluctant to leave my wife - her contraction was getting stronger. The nurse told me it would still take some time before she delivers, more than enough time for me to pray.


My mum wanted to see hon bun. I let her into the room and waited outside with my brother. He was more nervous than I am.


The pain got stronger and longer. The nurse started calling for the doc. It was probably 10 times more painful than it looks. I tried to keep myself composed and looking strong - it's for my wife. The doc arrived and burst the 'ketuban' (sorry my vocabulary fails me). She used something like a white stick. My wife's look pains me. The water filled 3/4 of the container. That's quite a lot.


The screeching begins. I say screeching because my wife didn't really scream, she screeched. Doctor's advice: take a deep breath and push as hard as you can. It's not as easy as it sounds. Throughout this part of the ordeal, imagine being in a place where you get your breath sucked out of you and you're trying to push your way through but there's a bungee cord on your back pulling you - the cord isn't long but it's damn tough.

Hon bun tries hard to take a deep breath but fails. When that fails the pushing gets harder. Hence, the baby gets stuck somewhere down there - but I can only presume she could already see the bright light illuminating the very womb that houses her for 38 weeks and 5 days.

Again she tries hard to push and the breathing gets in the way of an easier - not to say it is easy at all - labour. She learns another technique, take a deep breath and release the air twice consecutively. That worked, but she can't push as long as the nurse wanted her to because of the fatigue that's setting in.

The baby's head is visible after about 15 minutes of sheer hardwork. But then again it gets back in because of the lack of pushing - who can blame her, she's tired. As I hold on to her arms and giving her my full support, all I can think about is, is she going to survive? Is the baby going to be safe? I have full confidence that both question can be answered with a simple, yes, but the fear is always there.

You can see blood dripping and squirting everywhere. But still only the top of the baby's head is visible. The doctor had already cut open the entry (or exit) to make it easier. Then you can really see my wife pulling out all stops and giving all her might to try and push the baby out. I don't know if she realised, but the doctor had already opted to use the vacuum. I think regardless, she was determined to do it with her own strength - just like how she opted not to use any epidural during the labour process.

As she started to useher extraordinary strength to push the baby out, the head popped out (I say pop because that's how it was to me). I was glad. Too long stuck somewhere down there could give the baby a breathing problem - that's why the doc was worried and was prepared to use the vacuum. Then the doc started to turn the head and pulling it at the same time. She said that the baby just won't turn. I was thinking, "err doc, are you sure it's safe to that to the little kid?".

Then all of sudden, without even realilsing it, the whole body was out. Phew! It was tiring watching the whole thing. Everytime my wife inhaled, I inhaled. Everytime she pushed, I pushed as well. Everytime she squezzed the iron rod given to her, I squeezed my hand as if I was doing the hard work - believe me it was tiring (though definitely not as tiring as what hon bun had to go through).


The doc received the baby and lumped it right on hon bun's chest. She was too tired to do anything. She didn't even have the strength to hug the baby - she touched her like it was a dirty linen. But again, from what I saw, it's very much understandable - she was too tired to do anything.

The baby cried loudly. It seems that she had a little bit of a breathing problem during the whole thing. They stuck a tube right into her mouth - I didn't see them sticking it in but saw them pulling out a very long tube out her mouth (you would not be mistaken into thinking that it was a magic act like the one where the magician pulls out a bunch of handkerchief out of nowhere). The tube was used to clear the baby's lung - it acts like a vacuum, in fact, it is a vacuum.

The baby was then put into a container (I'm not sure what they call it), where she was given enough light and warmth.


I was given the go-ahead to the pick the baby up and do the call to prayer (azan). I obligingly did just that. The baby didn't cry. I was glad. It was the first time holding my own child and the feeling was like nothing I've ever felt before. Though I must admit, half of my thoughts were fixated on the baby's mother. I felt like crying, like smiling, laughing all at the same time. But all I could do is smirk. This baby is mine, it's ours. I know I will love her forever.

After seeing what my wife went through, I could only hold a sense of amazement and appreciate her more. She deserves every bit of praises you could think of. I'm sure if any child gets to see their mother actually going through the whole thing from the beginning of the 9 months journey, there wouldn't be any treacherous child. Hoping my child would realise this as well.

Here's to a happy day, one that I have never experienced before, would never experience again and would definitely want to cherish forever.

The Lovely Nur Alya Sofeah
The 2 Days Old Sofeah with her Mum, My Hon Bun